I’M DOING A SERIES OF POSTS AS I READ THIS BOOK; TERRY COLE-WHITTAKER‘S WHAT YOU THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS. THE SUBTITLE IS ABOUT FOLLOWING YOUR INNER PATH TO HAPPINESS, SUCCESS AND SELF-FULFILMENT.
Chapter 13 is about “When it’s time to move on”…
“Divorce is one of the greatest causes of fear, pain anguish and guilt in our lives. Yet in its simplest sense, divorce means only that the form of a relationship has changed.”
One or both members of the relationship no longer choose to live together in the form called marriage. The divorce results in a legal and physical separation which had two sides. It usually brings out sadness and fear in the participants but it is also a chance for a new life.
The fear of loss which underlies all of the negative emotions in a divorce stems from confusion about the source of our good. We are never separated from the source from our power but our power can be used constructively or destructively to win or lose.
Your belief will determine whether you will use the power constructively or destructively. You have the choice.
How do you recognise one of these salvageable marriages?
Say you are contemplating divorce. You look around you and ask yourself: “if all of these other things that are destroying the marriage – the kids, the in-laws, the money, the garbage – if all of these things were handled and the problem taken away would I want to be in the marriage?. If the answer is truly yes, then clean up the mess.
If the answer is no, then get out because you are just kidding yourself.
Nida’s input here: Not sure I could include kids as something that can be “taken away”? As for children, a single happy parent is a more positive influence than two miserable ones.
What about being lonely?
Loneliness can occur in marriage or out of it. Again it’s the question of your belief system. Very often a person contemplating divorce is intimidated by family, friends, children and in-laws. They feel guilty because they do not approve.
To paraphrase the title of the book – “What others think of you is none of your business”!
It takes strength and self belief to make massive changes especially in marriage.
And what about the children?
Tell the truth and be honest. If you love your children, let them know the problem is between you and your mate. Don’t ever try and make the children hate the parent who has left. That is immoral and damaging to the child, who will then use this faulty belief system to create their own adult relationship and so the vicious circle continues.
Children are strong and can handle a lot if they are supported and loved and told the truth.
“I am an expert in my own life. I trust my own decisions “ .
Nida’s input: I have seen the sadness that divorce can cause to families. I have friends who divorced and my girls have friends whose parents have split up. It seems to me the greatest damage doesn’t come from the actual divorce but from how the separation is handled. No one marries with the intention of becoming unhappy and splitting up.
It has to be tough but remember always: “Whatever the question, the answer is love”.